I learned some things about myself this week, that, frankly, after 50+ years, I had not really considered. I guess I should put this in context, in order to make it make better sense. The past several months have been personally challenging. I have kept much of it to myself, probably out of vanity and vain conceit, but regardless, I have kept it private.
Blogs like this one, are somewhat challenging, because it gives me an outlet to express myself and learn more about myself, however it is also something that many of my closest family and friends read, so I always struggle with what to not and what to say. Tonight, however, the filters are pretty much off. I find myself in a position where my inability to control the circumstances around me are pushing me to confront them head on. So, buckle up, and, I apologize, for taking you through the personal growth that I am hoping occurs. At best, you will get something out of it, and I will grow. At worst, we have wasted a number of 1s and 0s that we will have to hope quantum computing restores. In any event, consider this a last warning to depart before you have to battle with me to the end.
Okay, you stuck with it. That either means you are a glutton for punishment, a voyeur, or at the very least, hoping to find something inspirational, thought provoking or interesting in the remainder of this post. I cannot promise any of that, however, I can promise truth, honesty and a genuine desire to understand the mysteries of life.
Today started strong. It was a good day, and I was clicking on all cylinders. I am sure you have all experienced it, but it was one of those days where I caught all the green lights, was completely prepared for all of the questions and issues of my meetings and felt good in what I was wearing. Frankly, the morning went unbelievably great. Not only did I have all the answers, but the ones I didn’t have initially came to me as I needed them. It was fantastic.
Then everything went south. My work performance stayed consistent, but as the day went on, certain personal physical issues started to arise that got progressively worse throughout the day. Ultimately, this evening, about 30 minutes ago, I recognized that certain minor issues that were occurring throughout the course of my day were actually beginning to compound, culminating in an inability to perform some minor physical tasks. Truth be told, I am dictating this rather than typing it, because of those issues. On the plus side, I am happy that the software I am using is working so well, but ticked off that I have to rely on it That is a discussion for another time, though.
The thoughts/questions that have been at the forefront of my mind tonight, however, are what I wanted to raise. Bear in mind, I have no answers. I know what I believe and am holding onto it, but I have to be honest and say that the questions are real…and a little scary. I raise them only to let you all know that (in my opinion) it is okay to actually ask them, and (again, in my opinion) you have to ask these types of questions honestly if you are going to grow. So, having delayed enough, here goes.
- Why would God let me experience this? Is it to teach me something? Is it because I have done something displeasing to Him? Is there another way to teach me what He wants to teach me in this?
- Am I REALLY okay with what I am dealing with? I know I can exist with it, but can I live with it? Am I weak or a bad person for questioning if I can live with it?
- If I doubt my ability to live with it, but believe that God is letting it happen, does my unbelief distort my relationship with God?
I am no Job. I, frankly, am weak. I wish I were stronger in my faith, but I have the same questions everyone has…and I don’t have any good, logical answers. I do know that I will hold on to my faith, if for no other reason than bullheadedness and a true belief that God is good, even if circumstances don’t seem to support it. Plus, I believe that God is more than able to handle my doubts and questions. That being said, I still don’t understand it and am still having difficulty accepting it. Maybe this will be a challenge for the remainder of my life, frankly, I don’t know. God has richly blessed me in so many areas that it seems like the betrayal of a shallow and immature man to question him, but that is where I am at…right or wrong.
So, the question is this. Is it okay to believe and yet have doubts and fears? I think it is. I have to believe that an all-knowing, all-caring God, understands the weaknesses of His creation. If true, I am more of a child than I hoped I was. In truth, I think this is the case. I am not happy that I am this shallow, but, to quote one of my fellow authors, I am. Maybe that is the lesson. Understanding that, even at my age, I am not there yet, but I am still walking the path. I may not be as far along as I thought, but at least I am not yet lost. Honestly, if that is the answer, I can live with that.
I hope you all have a great rest of the week, and, I will post again soon. Take care, and God bless you all!