Month: June 2017

Yesterday a fellow Dad wrote about truth and movies.  Funny how that got me thinking about some of the crazy things that happen in movies – like how people always split up in scary movies when they should stay together. Another constant is how people make incredibly dumb decisions, even when warned by the thing/monster/demon, that they shouldn’t do whatever they are determined to do. These things would never happen in real life…or would they?

I’m reminded how many really smart people – people we have entrusted with our nation’s security – do the stupidest things.  Why would a man who led an intelligence agency claim he had no foreign contacts – all the while acting as a paid lobbyist for a foreign company? Why would a former national security adviser try to smuggle classified documents out of the national archives in his socks? Why would the most powerful man in the world (at the time) risk everything for a tryst with an intern – then lie about it? Why would a man in that same position deny saying something – even when he was recorded and filmed saying it literally hundreds of times?

When you think about the dumb things people do in movies (or books), they really do mirror reality. Stupid decisions by smart people seem to be the norm these days – and that is really frightening. Scarier still…some people really do believe Iowa is heaven. Be afraid!

So, if there was ever a day that was appropriate for this site, today would be it.  As one of the three authors, all of whom are fathers, I wish all of the fathers out there Happy Father’s Day.  I had the benefit of a caring father, who was not just a great example for me of how to be a father, but also a man, and I am so fortunate to have had such a heritage.  Likewise, I have had the good fortune to be close friends with a number of other men, my co-authors, for example, who helped build on that foundation to help mold me into the person I am today.  Certainly there were many other people involved in the process, but since it is Father’s Day, I thought I’d tip my hat to these men who have been examples and mentors to me.  I thank you.

Today, I wanted to share with you some “dad wisdom” that I and others have accumulated over the years.

1. Rub some dirt in it – This is arguably the most important medical breakthrough and it never seems to get its fair treatment.  The dirt probably didn’t help stave off infection, but it did take my mind off of the scrape and taught me that pain is, in many cases temporary and a state of mind, rather than a state of being.
2. It’s not a junk drawer/room – That drawer with the rocks, the foreign coins, the matchbook covers, keychains, etc., is not a “junk” drawer.  It is an archaeological walk through my memories.  The little green army man was a mascot that went on deployments with me.  The matchbooks were from places I had been and represented my travels, and each and every piece has a story attached to it.
3. A good cup of coffee is a magical thing – coffee may just seem like a way for me to wake up, but it is also a way of giving me time to think, a way of giving me a break when I am frustrated with something that just isn’t working properly, and a way to relax.
4. I bought those weird books for a reason – sometimes you just want to know more about the absurd, the mundane or the obscure.  Those books are generally inexpensive, full of interesting information and break my mind from the cycle of focusing on the minutiae of my normal work.  It is good to stretch the boundaries of the mind.
5. The right tool makes the job easier, the wrong tool makes the job educational – using the right tool for a  job makes the job go quickly and pretty smoothly, but using the wrong tool makes you learn how to recover from mistakes.  For example, use too big or too small of a screwdriver and you stand a good chance of twisting the head so that you can’t easily remove the screw.  Use the right size and the screw is easily tightened or removed.  (BTW, a piece of rubber band helps with that stripped screw).
6. You won’t get where you want to go if you don’t take that first step – Nothing long lasting happens immediately, but is achieved by taking active measures to achieve it.  If you want to change something about your situation, as hard as it is, you have to take the first step, or you’ll never get there.
7. You won’t get where you want to go if you don’t finish that last step – Likewise, the journey isn’t complete until you finish the last step.  A lot of people start, but finishing is just as, if not more, important.
8. Patience breeds peace – many times we get really stressed out because we are impatient, waiting on something to happen, someone to get out of our way, etc.  Being patient is a state of being at peace with the time it is taking for something to happen.  You will never optimize your schedule enough, so budget enough “slack” time, just in case.
9. Move slow to go fast – many times, slower, deliberate focused action is faster than diving in and tackling the problem in front of you.  It may seem slower, but by not having to repeat things or redo them, you actually move faster than you would have had you just charged in like a bull elephant.
10. Finally, laugh – Steve Martin said, you can’t play the blues on a banjo, because it is too happy of an instrument.  Likewise, you can’t stay mad and frustrated if you are laughing, and there are things all around us to laugh about.  If you can’t find one, Google one, they are definitely out there.

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there and to all, have a great day and week.

The question of identity gets philosophical very quickly. A recent post about Sophism prompted me to write this post about the philosophy of identity. The Sophism post reminded me of the eternal debate around the Ship of Theseus.

Theseus fought many naval battles during this effort to found the city-state of Athens. Athenians wanted to pay tribute to Theseus so they built a ship as a monument to him. Over time, boards on the ship rotted and were replaced with new boards made from the same material. After many repairs were made, people asked if the ship was still the same “ship of Theseus” they originally built. Is the ship defined by the original wood and hardware used to construct it or is it the physical presence of a ship made of changing materials or is it the idea of the ship and what it represents from the citizens of Athens in tribute to Theseus?

Each of us is rebuilt every seven years. The cells in our body die off and are replaced by new cells over that seven year period. We literally are not the same person we were seven years ago. We were born in a certain image and grow pretty rapidly through infancy, toddler years, adolescence and young adulthood to become a different image of ourselves but are we a different person. Some of us maintain a relatively consistent appearance through our 20s and 30s and maybe into our 40s, but even then weight gain or loss, haircuts, beards grown and shaved, suntan (or in my case sunburn), etc all change our physical appearance over time. But are we different people?

Let’s not limit the concept to physical appearance. We get smarter over time (mostly). Our tastes change over time primarily moving from preferences for sweet in our youth to salty or savory as we mature. Our philosophy changes over time. I’ve hear this phrase many times: “If you aren’t a liberal when you’re young, you don’t have a heart. If you’re not conservative when you’re older, you don’t have a brain.” Our relationships and feelings for friends, family co-workers and even strangers can change over time. But are we different people?

The might Mississippi River flows constantly throughout the heartland of the Midwest. Like any other river, I can’t step into the same river twice. The water is constantly moving, churning up riverbed, transporting river life and debris, feeding the Gulf of Mexico, but I always step into the Mississippi River. So here’s the point from my changing seat: I feel the same as I did when I was a scrawny teenager fumbling about trying to figure things out, but I know I’m not as strong or as weak as I was back then. I’m not as smart or as stupid as I was back then. I’m not as nice or as nasty as I was back then. I’m just me and that’s different.

What did we do before all the electronic entertainment and how much has the cell phone changed us?  I remember the time when I would wonder about some arcane fact driving or lying in bed – and that’s where it stopped.  If I remembered the question the next day I might try to look it up in an encyclopedia and hope whatever trivia I was pondering had an entry in the family Funk and Wagner encyclopedia or the Encyclopedia Britannica in the library. If you wanted movie trivia, or trivia about a TV personality, a person was just out of luck. Larger libraries had more specialized encyclopedias, but even then, they weren’t up to date – and usually had a year of more gap with current knowledge.

Now, if I want to know how many kids the comedian Drew Carey has, I can not only get the answer, but I get his kids names and even details about them. How amazing, but also a bit scary. Have you searched for your name?  The amount of information about you is frightening. Also – once it’s there – it’s there. I can’t imagine what would have happened if some of what I did in college would have been immortalized in social media. I feel blessed (although somewhat curious) that there are no pictures of my exploits in school. As former president George Bush answered during an interview about his college exploits, “when I was young and dumb…I was young and dumb!”

I imagine that in 10 years we will simply think a question and your personal embedded device will immediately answer. What will the future hold? I can answer one thing definitively – knowledge. Think about what we will know tomorrow.

Sophism is a form of Greek philosophy that valued the practical.  It believed what you couldn’t touch didn’t exist.  The root of the Greek world sophist comes from the Greek words for wisdom (Sophos), which was expressed at the expense emotion  They believed that wisdom was cold – sort of like Vulcans in Star Trek.  Eventually the word also came to mean general wisdom and in particular politics, ethics, and human affairs.  Sophism was viewed as a threat to ancient Greece and the main sophist, Protagoras, was sentenced to death for his teachings. They believed his teachings removed emotion from life – and therefore made humans an anathema to the Gods.

Protagoras is possibly best known for his claim that, “Of all things the measure is Man, of the things that are, that they are, and of the things that are not, that they are not” or, in other words, that everything is relative to a person’s point of view based on his or her experience, judgement, and interpretation. This thought is often phrased as “everything is relative.” Aristotle recognized this as a destructive philosophy.

The sophist believe that everything is relative – this includes facts. We have seen the return of sophism – in many forms – from both sides of the political spectrum. We have moved so far from universal truths that I’m afraid we may have moved to what Aristotle and the Greeks feared. Everyone makes their own morality, their own facts, and sees everything through their own clouded point of view.

I’m not sure what can be done to bring us back to the universal truths that guided humanity through the dark times.  I am sure that continuing down the everything is relative path will lead to the eventual downfall of our way of life.  Every time someone decides to create their own facts or decides what is and is not “illegal” we take a step farther down that path. Laws are the foundation of our society and those laws are based on universal truths.

What are universal truths? The 10 commandments are a good starting point. You can’t choose to follow some and not others for the sake of everything is relative. We see the results of that in today’s shooting, the lies that are being told by our leadership, and the destruction of moral standards. Resist the modern sophists and lean on the universal truths – it really is our only hope.

As I threatened/promised yesterday, I want to share some reflections on my parents’ 52nd anniversary, which was on the 11th.  I was struck by the obvious fact that they had been married longer than I have been alive.  While that is somewhat newsworthy in today’s environment, it wasn’t so much back in 65.  As a matter of fact, before I understood the concept of gestation periods, I mistakenly thought (and commented once in a crowd) that mom and dad were married in June and I was born in September!  My parents, probably more mortified than I remember, were quick to point out that it was in two different years.  Anyway, I digress.

Mentally, I know my parents are, by design, older than me, but it really hit me what that means with respect to the universe I know.  My parents were born during World War 2.  Their parents and relatives had lived through the Great Depression, had endured the worldwide uncertainty of the 30’s and saw the rise of fascism in Europe.  When my dad was born, the US hadn’t had a ton of success yet in the war, although the tide had started to turn in the Pacific and North Africa.  Our victory, however, was far from assured.  The late 1940s ushered in the nuclear age and the beginning of the cold war with the Soviet Union.  It was into all of this that my parents were born.

What stands out to me is how much has transpired since that time.  Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” highlights some of the big events, but what struck me was the fact that these were the times that actually shaped my parents lives and that I would never fully understand, because, I only read about it rather than experienced it.  I have had the same feelings and revelations in the other direction, but this is the first time I have had them moving back one generation. The point to all of this rambling is that each of us will experience things that history will record for those who come after us, and in most cases, history won’t have the subtle nuances, the feelings, the perceptions, etc., that you experienced.  For example, I vividly remember the Bicentennial Parade in Dixon, IL, on Independence Day, 1976.  I remember the coins having bi-centennial backs, and I remember that Gerald Ford and some former-Democrat named Ronald Reagan were running for the Republican nomination, while Jimmy Carter looked pretty certain to take the Democratic nomination.  I remember the red, white and blue petunias lining the streets, and I remember thinking “we’ve been around for 200 years…that’s an amazing achievement”.  I remember the Soyuz-Apollo docking mission in space, the first “home computers”, and I remember gathering in an assembly at McNally Elementary School (now New Horizons) and watching one of the moon landings.

Today, we have the benefit of YouTube and other video archives to watch the original footage, but it still doesn’t provide the same experience as actually living through the event itself.  For example, during many points of the cold war with the Soviet Union, such as when Brezhnev passed away, etc., there was a palpable feeling of concern that the “Evil Empire” of the Soviet Union would potentially strike at the United States.  It is hard to think of a nuclear first strike option today, but it was very real in the 70s and early 80s, and even more so in the 50s and 60s.  The point is, whether it is Nadia Comanici’s perfect scores in the Olympics, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy or Martin Luther King, Jr., the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, or any other event, the difference between experiencing it first-hand without knowing the outcome is much different than revisiting the history through the Internet.

I know this post has been kind of (okay, very) rambling, but the key point is that, each of us will experience life and important events that our descendants will only be able to experience through recorded history.  Our personal experiences provide a unique window into the intangibles of those moments, which are important to understand and collect.  In my opinion, it is not enough to know that the cold war happened.  It is much more important to understand the emotions and mindset of those who lived through it to understand how serious the time was.  What this has meant for me, personally, is that I really need to take advantage of the time I have with my parents to listen and understand their views of what I know only as historical context, so that I can better pass that along to future generations.

Thanks for staying with me during this wandering diatribe, and I hope you have a great day and upcoming weekend!

June 11, 1965, my parents began their journey together as man and wife.  52 years and a day ago.  I will apologize now, but I intend to milk this for two straight posts, because there are at least two important things to say about this event.  Today, though, is focused on relationships, commitment and influences.  First, though, on a personal note, Mom and Dad, I love you and thank you for the example you two have been to me as a son, a husband, a father, and now a grandfather.  When you first started off, you may not have foreseen the generational impact you would have, but I believe it is a testament to your love and commitment to each other, to us as a family and most of all, to God.  Happy 52nd anniversary and be thinking about what you’d like to do at the 60th…it’ll be here before you know it.

Okay, so for the rest of us, when a memorable event or something worth commemorating happens, the first thing I look at is what I can learn or how I can grow from it.  I mean, think of it 52 years of being together.  I love my parents, but I have to believe that, if their lives were like ours, there were probably, at least, a couple of days during that time that they both had questioned whether or not they had made a mistake.  As much as I hate to admit it, I know for a fact that Sharon and I have had at least a couple of days like that.  (I know it is a surprise to all of you that she would have that type of doubt, but even Thomas doubted… :- )  ).  So what makes a relationship last so long?  Well, I haven’t interviewed them, but having observed them in their natural habitat for a number of years, I have had a few observations that I think serve all of us well and should give us pause to stop and consider as we enter into relationships with individuals.

First off, they are both a couple and two distinct individuals.  They haven’t lost their individual identity over the years, but they have become stronger both individually and together based on their relationship.  They have both discovered strength where they did not think they had it and have grown individually because of the other.  They are very different people, but their differences complement each other and have made the other better because of it. I remember as I was growing up that Mom sometimes seemed to struggle with being the “image” of a Pastor’s wife.  At some point (I believe it was in Lewistown, IL), she finally accepted the fact that she was who she was and that that was good and all that she needed to be.  It sounds simple, but the politics of the pastorate sometimes pushes people into molds and patterns, and breaking out of them, while radical, is freeing and edifying.  What is important in that instance is that, first, mom realized and accepted that she was who she is and that to be anything other than that would be harmful to her, our family, and our future.  The second thing that is important about that is that Dad, accepted it, encouraged it, loved her and supported her when many pastors, especially young pastors looking to the future would be tempted to try to temper that type of activity.  So the first lesson is that two different people, who love and accept the fact that the other is different, can positively impact each other individually and, as a result, make themselves as a couple, better.

That is not enough, though, to last 52 years.  Many times, when two different people come together and are married, it ends up in divorce, because of the self-centered focus in the relationship.  The moment the other party starts to change or go through a trying point, the first party tends to bail because, “this is not what I signed up for.”  But that is where the second lesson comes into play.  That is what you signed up for and that is why it is so important to be discerning and exercise wisdom when entering a potentially lifelong relationship.  Every couple goes through difficult times, and generally those revolve around faith, money, children, approach to big decisions, and, unfortunately, health.  These are fundamental challenges that threaten every relationship, and, in my opinion, the key one is faith.  I happen to like the concept of oxen being yoked together as a metaphor for relationships.  I once did a demonstration with a teen group where I had two teens take a rope tied to a roller bag.  I then had them walk in different directions at different speeds, etc. to show that when you are pulling in your own direction and in your own strength, you are constantly fighting with each other.  We then took the example a step further and started to talk about oxen plowing a straight row.  The only way that works is if the two oxen pull at the pace and strength of the weaker of the two.  If they pull too hard, they veer off and if they pull too weak they veer off, but if they pull at the same strength and pace, they stay straight.  It is the same way in our relationships, only we tend to bounce from being the strong to the weak ox fairly frequently and sometimes without realizing it.  It matters who you pull with and it matters what your focus is.  If it is to pull your way, at some point you’ll either find yourself pulling alone or you’ll find a fairly convoluted path, but if it is to pull together, you will find a straight course at a pace that both can maintain.

Finally, the third key is commitment.  Frankly, commitment is something that we lack in many areas of our lives, but it is crucial to the success of relationships.  This probably sounds harsh, but commitment doesn’t mean anything when times are good.  Anybody can commit to staying together then.  Commitment is forged and strengthened in the tough times…the times when there is more month than money…the times when you or the other person is particularly unlovable…the times when you are flat out wrong and have hurt or wronged the other.  It is in those times that our commitment is tested.  It used to be difficult to get a divorce.  The stigma against it was tremendous and it just didn’t happen that often.  Elizabeth Taylor’s multiple divorces just reinforced the view that Hollywood was morally bankrupt, but today, divorces have not only become acceptable, but expected, because we have either forgotten or just didn’t fully comprehend the concept of commitment.  I don’t mean it to sound like I am condemning divorced couples, because, frankly, there was a point in our marriage where we’d both considered divorce, but were too obstinate to admit we made a mistake.  We weren’t noble, just cowardly, but it got us through that time and to better times.  The point is, marriage and love is a decision that carries you through the tough times and enables you to be committed even if you don’t feel particularly happy with your significant other.

I used to joke with the kids that I chose their mother, not them.  It didn’t mean I didn’t love them, it was just that I had not just fallen in love with, but was and am entirely committed to our life together…for better, or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death us do part.  Those weren’t just words, but a vow.  I could make that vow, because, I had a great example of a loving couple before me each day of my life.  Sure, they had their rough spots and in some ways still do, but, for as long as I can remember, they have always been there supporting and loving each other, being both the strong and the weak ox at any one time, and committed to each other, knowing that they would not be the wonderful person they are today without the other by their side.

Mom and Dad, thanks again for the light and example you have been.  When I look at you guys, I see a successful, happy marriage, not because everything is always happy, but because, at the end of the day, you are by each other’s side and each other’s biggest supporter.  Happy Anniversary (belated) and I look forward to seeing you guys again soon.

Each of the authors has a wonderful, intelligent, creative, beautiful daughter graduating from college this year. Two have already celebrated the successful completion of this stage in their academic career and the third will occur soon. None of us can ever fully relate to you how very proud we are of the grit, growth and gravitas each of you demonstrated throughout the journey you’ve just taken. We’re especially proud because we know each of you took on this task by your own choosing

Despite the fact that society increasingly pressures youth in America to feel as though they are failing (see yesterday’s post) if they don’t attend university, study some subject endorsed by the masses as leading to a successful profession (doctor, lawyer, etc) and then commit to grueling internships or residencies in order to climb the ladder of success, each of you chose independently to study at the place and in the department that brings you joy and fulfillment. Some would describe this as “following your passion.” In fact, I think a previous post uses those exact words. But where do you go from here and will the same approach lead to success?

That is a question the three of us have wrestled with in varying degrees from the time we left school and joined the military to find answers. Some of us still wrestle with that question. It is truly the exception that someone “follows their passion” for an entire lifetime of professional and personal gratification and service. The better advice, in my humble opinion, is to take your passion with you wherever life takes you.

If I had followed my passion, I’m pretty sure I would be either a starving artist or a failed athlete selling insurance somewhere in the Midwest. Things worked out much better for me, and I believe my friends and coauthors, because we weren’t able to follow tour passion. We learned we were able to serve our country and make a difference every day in ways that most people will never know. We met people, including each other, who have shaped us and supported us and made us far better men than we would have been without each other. We’ve had multiple “jobs” and “careers” that have allowed us to build expertise in leadership, technical acumen and critical thinking that have helped us get through the many moments of doubt and darkness when we questioned our own value to our profession, our circle of friends and society in general. The one thing that, unwittingly, we all did through those years was to bring our passion to the moment as opposed to following our passion to a given moment. We didn’t let the moment, the job, the peer pressure, societal norms or even family advice push us somewhere we didn’t want to go. We have been and continue to be the authors of our own aspirations.

We are each passionate about serving others. We are each passionate about the “career” we currently have and the impact it has on our nation’s security. We are each passionate about our relationships. We are each passionate about you and the future God has for you and everyone you will touch along the way. Take your passion with you. Author your own aspirations even if it’s counter to what we tell you. And don’t forget to look back occasionally. You’ll see us smiling at you with pride and love.