Month: May 2017

With all the talk about new starts and change, I thought I’d be remiss if I didn’t address finishing.  While it is true you can get a fresh start personally whenever you like, it is important to complete things for both your emotional and psychological well-being.  Completion demonstrates to yourself that you have the persistence and determination to conquer difficulties and celebrate the victory of a job finished.  

Finishing is hard.  Starting is easy.  That is the main reason people don’t tend to finish things.  Everybody is excited at the start and races full tilt, vowing commitment and dedication to the project.  Then the difficult realities hit.  The work gets dull and tedious.  The excitement and energy falls.  The next new shiny object/project jumps up and steals the drive and commitment of those who never had the passion of the original starter of the project.  

The apostle Paul talked about finishing the race, the story of the hare and the tortoise tells the story of getting good distracted by celebrating without completing the race, and their are a TON of YouTube videos showing people who stop too early and lose as a result.  I had a PE teacher who used to teach us to run 10 yards past the finish line before starting our cool down walk. The reason is because as we slow down before completion we lose momentum.  

So today, I just want to remind you, first, that after the initial excitement, the tedious Ness sets in and it is the level of your passion for the project that carries through.  This is important to realize if you are the lead, because you drive and influence passion. This is also very important to remember as a team member, because your part in the end result is significant and your leader is counting on you.  Second, when distracted by the next shiny object,  definitely evaluate whether or not you should look into it and gauge your level of participation appropriately,  but keep your priorities straight. Finally, run 10 yards past the finish line.  Don’t stop when you hear 

Yeah, you read that right. This post was inspired by last week’s episode of Survivor along with a series of events before and after the episode that crystallized in my mind today. So sit back, grab your beverage of choice and settle in because this will be a longer than normal post with raw emotion and pointed comments for some readers. It will also reflect strong emotions which might surprise some—but not my kids and that reinforces the point of this post.

Let me start by setting the stage. Last night, the three authors of this blog met to hang out and share our collective wisdom with each other as we are wont to do about monthly. However, this meeting was disrupted by the joyous revelation that one of the authors was about to become a grandfather…again (guess who 🙂 ) I couldn’t be happier for him, his family and everyone with any relationship connected to the new baby who should be part of their family by the time this post goes live. I’m sure she will bring oodles of love and joy and fulfillment to all of you,

His excitement and pride made me think of my own role as father…since I’m not a grandfather yet and in no rush to get there because I want my kids to make that life decision on their own time and under their own criteria. Nonetheless, I will treasure that role once it comes my way, but not nearly as much as I’ve treasured the role of dad. I’ve stated in multiple venues and to many of my friends relatives and acquaintances that I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a dad. Some of you smile when I say that and others get mad, jealous or scared that maybe that means I don’t love you the way you think I do. Don’t go there and don’t worry.  Let me explain why I say that and what brought me to that conviction.

I am related to six people by direct blood connection. Four of those people have been with me since birth or shortly after (mother, father, siblings) and two have been with me for approximately the past two decades. Ever hear the phrase “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family?” Let me tell you, the connotation behind that phrase couldn’t be more true for me. I’ve picked many great friends and people who love me and whom I love with my entire being. You know who you are (I hope) and you should know how much I treasure the relationship we have, but there is a uniqueness about the people you share blood, genes, DNA, saliva, etc with And until my children were born, I’ve never felt the love I feel from you coming from a blood relative. I came to this realization last week while watching Survivor.

During last week’s episode, each of the remaining contestants had the opportunity to reunite with a loved one as a reward to help them get through the last few days of the Survivor challenge. Some contestants saw their children, parents, siblings or significant others. When one of the contestants met their brother on the mat, the host, Jeff Probst, Talked about the special bond that siblings share that creates a connection that others simply cannot understand. That concept is foreign to me because I don’t share that bond with my siblings. Never have and even though I’ve tried to be a good brother and build that relationship over time, I still don’t feel that. The other two blood relatives–the people who HAVE to love you–missed most of my youth and young adult life either because of working two full time jobs or putting their entertainment and self interest first. It’s hard when young people become parents and don’t have the opportunity to live their own lives and that can lead to lack of connection and inability to show love. Fortunately, I have seen others who had children early–like my grandfather friend and his wonderful wife–who didn’t take that route and showered their children with love, spent all the time they could together and build strong, solid relationships that benefit them and their children. They are a model for me, my wife and anyone who knows them,. Thanks for being the example I didn’t have so that I could follow your lead with my children.

But I digress. I spent almost three decades waiting to see if I could have that relationship with someone who didn’t have the choice to have a relationship with me. It was a void that led me to dark thoughts, searches for love in the wrong places, self-doubt, and raw fear. Luckily, I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams and our children have allowed me to build the relationship I never had and still don’t have with my other blood relatives. They filled the void and helped me focus on positive things, realize what love really means, build self-confidence and have the courage to overcome challenges I never thought I could face. I don’t know what I would do without any of the people who love me in my life. My children simply bring something that they are uniquely equipped to provide me and I’m grateful for that gift. That will always be special to me and guide my decisions because of how long I went without.

Congratulations again to the new parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. I know none of you watch Survivor and I also know you don’t need to for that baby girl to grow up knowing how much she is loved.

A dear friend of mine retired a while ago and shared some of his favorite quotes in a retirement email to his friends and colleagues.  He shared that he had heard or read them during his over 30 years of service in the U.S. Army . I found that email today while searching through some files and I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading the email and the quotes. He was a mentor and a friend, and I thought I would share them because the quotes still inspire me today.

I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work. ~Thomas Edison

You must be the change you want to see in the world. ~Mahatma Gandhi

It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~George Eliot

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Henry Stanley Haskins

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. ~Seneca

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. ~Mark Twain

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Everyone thinks of changing the World, but no one thinks of changing himself.  ~Leo Tolstoy

Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right. ~Henry Ford

The only thing worse than being blind, is having sight but no vision. ~Helen Keller

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. ~Mark Twain

Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it. ~Joe Clark

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit. ~Aristotle

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. ~Albert Einstein

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. ~Martin Luther King, JR.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, JR.

And finally, one of my favorites.

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

The tag line for the HBO TV series and books by George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones is, “Winter is Coming”. It’s the motto of House Stark (or what’s left of House Stark), which was one of the Great Houses of Westeros. The meaning is a warning to be on guard for the harsh winter – and a warning to those who opposed the Starks. It’s now a warning that is threaded through the books – and the HBO series – that something ominous is about to descend upon Westeros.

Well – something ominous is about to descend upon those of us who haven’t managed to lose the layer of winter fat – summer.  I see the warning signs everywhere – shorts and swimwear on sale – friends taking or planning beach vacations – days growing warmer and longer.  I’m not ready for summer – I’d prefer a bit more spring, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, I know there is nothing I can do – there is no wall, no black watch, no magic, no ice dragons…nothing that will stop it.  Summer is coming with its long, hot, and humid days. Summer will drive me into clothing that I’m not ready to wear, and into settings I’m not ready to face. So be brave – those readers who are in the same position as I am – summer is coming, and nothing will stop it.

I originally was going to post on a different topic, but didn’t want to skip the holiday for a post I can do later.  For too many people Mother’s Day is, unfortunately, the one day they remember their moms and the role they played in their lives.  In too many cases, the mom may be the only parent in the household, forced to raise her kids as both father and mother, while also serving as breadwinner.

Each mother has experienced the maternal love for their unborn child, the pain of childbirth, and the desire to protect the newborn that has been such a focal point of the 9 month birth process.  This attachment, devotion and love is something uniquely feminine and, frankly, a relationship impossible for men to understand at its core.  As fathers of daughters, this is one area we cannot provide any insight, guidance or advice other than to point you to your mothers.

Your mothers are incredible women.  They are beautiful, intelligent, engaging and have thoroughly enthralled us as men to the point that we not only pursued them as partners for the rest of our lives, but desired to raise a family, establishing another link in the lineage and heritage of our families. These women are uniquely suited to be a guide, a model and a key supporter of yours in all phases of your life.  The type of woman we hope you become is the type of woman we chose for us…and that is part of why today is important.

The role of a mother is one of the most difficult to fill.  It requires patience, humor, love, tolerance, wisdom, perseverance, and is, unfortunately, generally, a thankless job.  It is easy to measure success in most jobs, but, the job of a mother never truly ends, it just evolves.  You see indicators of success as your kids grow and mature, but you never stop being their mother, you just also become their friend.

I have been doubly blessed with both a wife who is an amazing mother, and a mother who has been an amazing example and friend.  My mom, like all of us, is not perfect, but was perfect for me.  She was my biggest supporter when I questioned myself.  She was a wise sounding board, who knew when I needed wise advice and when I needed to find the path on my own.  Most importantly,  she was the example I needed of a child of the Father.  Her honest, open faith, with all of the doubts, difficulties and victories showed me more about living and growing my faith than any number of Sunday services.  I have been truly blessed to have had that example continue with your mother.

So, today, for all our mothers out there, thank you for your lives, your examples, and most of all your love.  We are truly better men because of it.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Sometimes I struggle for inspiration when it’s my turn to post here. That was the case for most of this day. However, tonight we attended a Leadership and Honors program celebration for college graduates. 200 young ladies and men celebrated four years of hard work and dedication to service as part of this program. The night was filled with impressive examples of how optimism and humility make up the key ingredients to servant leadership. One thing that impressed me the most was the fact that more women than men served as leadership professors, ceremony speakers, award recipients and students in the program. As one of three proud fathers (and authors of this blog) of two daughters, I’m excited to see how all our girls lead going forward knowing they are part of a wave of women breaking barriers.

There were many inspirational saying and stories throughout the evening. I might use a few of them in the future but for this post I’m gonna my to focus on the credo of the university’s president. He spoke about living a life of significance. The great thing is that he doesn’t save that speech for graduation ceremonies. He says it every day and visually lives the credo. And who couldn’t buy into that philosophy? Would you want to live a life of insignificance? Obscurity? Irrelevance? So does that mean we have to do something spectacular or earth shattering to live a life of significance. It depends on your definition of spectacular or earth shattering. All I’ll say is that when I saw my beautiful, intelligent, selfless daughter walk the stage to be recognized for her accomplishments, I remembered that I’ve lived a life of significance.

My fellow authors and I recently returned from a bucket-list trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. It was great to see the memorabilia and history of the sport’s greatest players. The other visitors there with their children were truly enthralled with the experience and it was great to be there with other fans of the sport.

When I finally got to the exhibit on Ty Cobb I remembered the line in the movie “Field of Dreams” where Shoeless Joe Jackson tells Kevin Costner’s character, “Ty Cobb wanted to play, but none of us could stand the son of a bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it.” This is based on the legend that Ty Cobb was a bigot, bad teammate, and the dirtiest player in baseball. I actually believed this until I started reading the book, “Ty Cobb, A Terrible Beauty”, by Charles Leerhsen. In the book Leerhsen talks about how his research actually showed that Ty Cobb was actually a great teammate, played the game hard but was not considered dirty, and there is no evidence he ever said anything racist. The fact is that he is on record being an early advocate of integrating baseball.

According to Leerhsen, the rumors were started by Al Stump the collaborator of Ty Cobb’s autobiography. Most of the fiction about Cobb was added to the book after Cobb passed away before the books completion. Leershsen even criticizes the movie Cobb, which added fictitious scenes about Cobb to enhance the undeserved bad-boy reputation.

The point is – despite what Leerhsen discovered in his biography – the perceptions about Ty Cobb will probably persist. Too many people are convinced of a myth,  and the misconception has been reinforced in media, for Ty Cobb’s reputation to ever be fully rehabilitated, and that’s sad. The perception have eclipsed the reality.  So before you decide to believe a rumor about someone – take the time to try and get the facts. Last, whenever you hear that saying about anyone can get in the Hall of Fame because Ty Cobb made it – make sure you correct them. Let them know that Ty Cobb still holds the record for highest career batting average after a hundred years – even after the steroid scandals of the 90s – and that’s something.

You may have heard this phrase at one point in your life, “fake it until you make it”, and at one point I had problems with the idea – until now. It seems that there is scientific evidence which supports the idea that you become who you aspire to be by dressing or acting the part. There have been other studies that support the idea that you can even change the way people think about you simply by changing the way you dress and standing up straight.

To that end, I want to share a short TED talk by Amy Cuddy where she discusses the benefits of “faking it ‘till you make it”.

http://blog.ted.com/10-examples-of-how-power-posing-can-work-to-boost-your-confidence/

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are

I was taught very early in my professional career to dress and behave for the job you want, not the job you have.  I’d like to encourage our readers to watch Amy Cuddy’s presentation and offer their thoughts in the comment boxes.

I’ll close with some tips from various authors that I’ve found effective in my life. You can’t overstate the power of a firm handshake, looking someone in the eye, calling them by their name, and focusing your attention on them while you are with them. It’s like magic.