Month: March 2017

Have you ever had someone that bothered you so much that you couldn’t get them out of your head?   I recently started working with someone that seems to find a new way to irritate me every day. So, I decided to go back to some of the earliest advice I received from a good friend I have known for over 30 years ago.  Don’t let someone live in your head rent free.  That means either find a way to come to peace with the person, or confront them with what bothers you.

It is amazing how liberating it can be to decide that you will come to peace with someone.  The confrontational option, for me anyway, always leads to more angst.  So, I decided to make my peace.  To be honest, I didn’t do anything Buddaesque and beg forgiveness or understanding.  I simply decided to forgive them – have a positive attitude in my interactions – then leave all of the drama at work and not let it follow me home.

I pondered on the types of people who tend to live in your head (rent free most of the time) and came up with a short list.

The negative Nelly or the insecure office bully.  The person who takes pleasure in announcing every flaw in your project, or makes snide comments about people during meetings or group projects. They are also the ones with the thinnest skin and will act hurt when you give them a dose of their own medicine.

The condescending ones who always have a better idea – who don’t have an original idea, but proclaim their ability to make yours better.  They also can’t write, but they sure can edit. The ones who are quick to take credit for someone else’s ideas, even though they have never had an original one.

Last, for this list anyway, is the frenemy.  They  know you best, and know exactly where to stick the knife, then apologize profusely.  It’s the person who knows you don’t like something or someone, then make a big deal about it at work or in social occasions. It’s also the person who can’t help but share the ending of movies or TV shows even though you told them you haven’t seen a movie, or had recorded a TV program.

When you think about it – then take a deep breath and clear your head – there a lot of people who occupy space in your noggin. I tend to take stock in the morning or before bed, and try to put the reasons why someone’s in my head in perspective. My secret in evicting them – I forgive them. I wonder what part of their lives made them who they are, I pity them, then I give them the boot. To get your peace and to clear your head; to evict the free loaders from your head, forgive and forget- and I do mean forget.  What was I writing about?

It has been almost 10 years since I took up the game of golf. I can say I’m no closer to finding the secret of the game, and I’m still just as obsessed. Before I picked up the game, the idea of watching golf on TV was about the same as getting a root canal. Now, I find myself riveted to the TV as I watch every shot. Golf has given me focus.

As I reflect on my years on the golf course and driving range, I understand there are lessons from golf that can be applied to life.  The first lesson in golf that applies to life is that even though we know what to do and how to do it, it is still very easy to screw it up. Golf and life are both a collection of relatively simple decisions that can result in incredible contentment or unimagined sorrow.  Both life and golf require a person to be flexible with any outcome – and if a person has prepared for the contingency – they can usually find a way out of any hazard. Golf and life require incredible patience to get it right, with a certain amount of luck.

Golf and life also require a person to take responsibility for their actions.  No one is preventing you from doing your best – only you. Golf and life also share the fact that there are thousands of sources of information to tell you how to do it most effectively and efficiently. Golf and life both require the participant to keep their own score – you can lie to others – but you cannot lie to yourself.  Others will notice if you cheat – and judge you for it.  This is true in life and golf.

In life and golf, we see players and people making the same mistakes over and over. Some golfers, and people, not only keep making the same mistakes over and over, but they actually practice making those mistakes.  You see this with people digging deeper into debt, or golfers never practicing how to get out of the sand.  They just go to the range and hit driver over and over, or spend using plastic, because that’s fun – and the alternative is not.

Both in golf and life, it’s hard to step back and consider what is going on. Most bad golf games – and bad life decisions – usually result from going from one bad decision to another thinking they are making things better.  In truth, they are actually making things worse. A rule in golf that applies to life is that we only improve in golf when we surround ourselves with players that are better than we are and learn from their game. The best way to stay stagnant in golf is to play with the same skill level players all the time.  The same is true in life, to improve we must seek out those that have something to teach us.

Picking golf partners is a lot like picking life partners. That person should have something to teach you – and should complement your game.  We all know the person who keeps picking the wrong kind of partner for a relationship.  Every time it ends in the same disaster, yet they go back to do it again, over and over. All golfers have someone who is a disaster to their game, like kryptonite to Superman, but we still play with them because they believe its them, and not the schlep rock who ruins their game.

Golf and life share another common trait; it’s easier to see the mistakes that other people are making than it is to see the ones that you are making. As in life and in golf, the people with the most advice to give are usually the ones who should be quiet, both on and off the course.  I’d be rich if I had a nickel for the number of times a 36-handicapper (that is a bad golfer for those reading this and who don’t play golf) has offered me an on-course tip. The same is true when I see someone who is drowning in debt and offering me financial advice. In the end, the fact remains, in both golf and life, mistakes are made on a regular basis. From the top pros on the tour to the lowliest hacker on the links, no one escapes; from the smartest person we know, to the dumbest, no one is immune.

Finally, what I took away from golf is: practice to get better, do your best, be honest, take your medicine when you make mistakes, have fun, and don’t take yourself too seriously.  That’s good life advice as well.

When the three of us decided to put this together, one of the things we talked extensively about was how we wanted to get down on paper (or in this case, digital paper) things we remembered about growing up and pass those along because so much has changed.  So, today, I decided to take a nostalgic look at the past.  One nice thing about nostalgia is that our memories tend to forget, gloss over, or minimize the painful times (not that there were many), so that the ones that stand out are momentous ones that were things that changed us.  It also enhances the good times to make them even better, something I have heard a couple of comedians refer to as the “Cybill Shepherd” filter for the pictures in our mind.  That said, while the details may be a little fuzzy, here are a couple of memories from my past that I have been reminiscing about recently as my fellow authors and I prepare to embark on a trip to Cooperstown, NY, to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

When I was in grade school we lived in a small town and I used to walk around our neighborhood, from our house to the neighborhood up the block where I had my paper route and down the road to our school. I promised myself not to make this a social commentary, but one quick note, this was back when we expected kids to be responsible, didn’t consider kids walking somewhere, working, etc. to be child abuse or negligence, and, admittedly, did not have as many abductions, etc.  Of course, we also didn’t really use seat belts, so not all of our ideas were great.  Anyway, back to the story.

To this day, I still remember the route I would take to our school.  There was the big fenced in yard with the huge German Shepherd three blocks down on the left, the cocker spaniel further down that liked to be petted, and, about 2/3 of the way to the school, a couple of blocks to the right was a little grocery store.  That store had all of my favorite things, baseball cards, candy bars and a little deli counter that made sandwiches.  That little store was close enough to the school that, if we left as soon as we were released to go to lunch, we could walk there, get a sandwich and eat it while walking back.  If the timing was optimal, we’d get back right at the beginning of recess and have time to play football, foursquare, or just hang out with our friends before heading in for the afternoon.  I didn’t go there often during school, but I still remember the first time.  I had a paper route at that time, so I had a little extra money and it was in the spring before baseball season began, so the new baseball cards weren’t out yet to suck up the money I had.  A friend of mine pulled me aside during morning recess and told me he was going to go with his older brother and two friends to the store during lunch and get some M&Ms and wanted to know if I’d go with him.  I wasn’t sure because I had never done that before, I had brought my lunch with me, and I didn’t want to miss recess.  He assured me we’d be back in time, so I agreed.  We walked along this set of railroad tracks that ran behind the store and he introduced me to the concept of putting a penny on the tracks and then coming back to find it flattened by the train on the way home from school.  We got to the store and Mike went to the candy rack while I went back to the deli counter.  I got a ham and cheese with mustard on a roll and Mike got his M&Ms and we headed back.  Sure enough we made it back in plenty of time, ate our food, and celebrated our successful adventure.

That little store was where we got our baseball cards also.  We’d buy as many as we could afford, cram our mouths full of the “gum” inside, and frantically sort through them to find the duplicates we could trade, the members of our favorite team, and those rare individual players we imagined ourselves to be as we played baseball in the backyard.  The gum was a hard, thin, stick, kind of like Bazooka Joe bubble gum, but much thinner and longer.  It would break into tiny pieces and eventually get soft enough to become chewable, at which point, it would lose its flavor and be pretty bland.  I used to hate certain cards you would find in the pack.  I didn’t mind the team cards nor the cards with the MVPs and leaders on them, but the checklist cards were a waste and made you feel like you got ripped off, because that should have been a player card.  My brothers and I collected different teams and a lot of my friends collected different teams, so every other week, after collecting the money for the papers, we’d head down to the store, stock up on cards and then get together to swap on a scale similar to the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.  Then we’d choose up sides and go play ball in one of the yards, complete with ghost runners, and bases comprised of either scuff marks in the grass or whatever rock, sack, box, etc., we could find.

Sure, baseball cards and deli counters are still with us, and I can still walk to the grocery store, but time has changed both them and me enough to where it is not quite the same as it was then.  The world has gotten smaller and I don’t get recess anymore, but the memories are still fresh and comfortable.  Maybe I’ll walk down the road and put a penny on the train tracks…

As we prepare for the Easter season, I wanted to offer you an Easter story not really touted, but involves the patron saint of today, Saint Patrick.  There are many stories surrounding Saint Patrick.  It seems to be pretty well accepted that he was born in Scotland and taken as a slave at age 16 to Ireland, where he worked as a shepherd until he escaped.  He made his way back to his family, but, according to tradition, was subject to many dreams calling him to bring the gospel to pagan Ireland.  He subsequently entered the priesthood, studied in Britain and returned to Ireland as a missionary.

Legend has it, that on Easter of 433, the High King of Ireland, Laoghaire, forbade lighting any fires on any night leading up to the pagan festival of Ostara at which time a huge bonfire would be lit on the hill of Tara.  The hill of Tara was the location where the high kings of Ireland were crowned and was steeped in tradition and legend by the time Patrick arrived on the scene.  On Easter of 433, Patrick, in violation of the king’s order, lit a bonfire on the hill of Slane, directly across from Tara.  Legend has it that the fire burned so bright the king sent soldiers to arrest the perpetrator and extinguish the fire.  Patrick and his men were protected when God made them appear as a herd of deer and so they escaped the soldiers and Patrick made his way to the king at Tara where he confronted and defeated the king’s druids and then preached the gospel to the court.  As this was happening, the king’s soldiers returned and informed him that Patrick’s fire could not be put out.  Although the king rejected Patrick’s message, he allowed him to continue to spread Christianity in Ireland.

During my last trip to Ireland, I visited both the hill of Tara and the hill of Slane.  I can’t say they are the most impressive of hills, but they are definitely the high ground in the area.  As I toured the grounds, I saw the statue of St. Patrick, the historical markers and took in the surrounding sights.  That area is home to a number of “High Crosses” and is steeped in both Catholic and Christian tradition.  While touring the grounds, I could not help but be moved by the history surrounding it.  While it seems somewhat crazy to write it, the stillness of the area and the aura around it was palpable.  It was then I realized the comparison with the story of Elijah on Mount Carmel.

That is one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament for a number of reasons, not least of which, because it showed a steadfast priest of God standing for Him against the overwhelming power of his day.  What spoke to me, though, was not the comparison to Elijah, but the disregard of post-Bible history.  I realized while I was sitting there that while I was prepared to accept the truth of the Bible, I was reluctant to embrace the stories of the saints and martyrs post-Bible.  Sure, the writings of Thomas Aquinas, Martin Luther and others are compelling, but the stories of God’s work through His servants in the post-Bible era seem to be treated as either fiction or at best misunderstood legend.  The same God I believe rose Lazarus from the dead, somehow seems different than the God who could make St. Patrick look like a deer.  That’s when it struck me.  If God truly is the same, yesterday, today and forever, why couldn’t the legends be true?  Maybe He didn’t make them look like deer, but the fact that God delivered Patrick from his enemies and gave him favor in front of the king and his court is in full harmony with God’s actions in both the Old and New Testaments.

I cannot state for certain that the events happened as reported, however I can state that, as I stood there, walking the same ground, seeing the same sights, and breathing the same air, I felt the presence of God.  Not the Catholic God, the Protestant God, nor the Jewish Yahweh, but God, the Creator of the universe, the salvation of His people and the hope of mankind.  Whether St. Patrick is responsible for getting rid of the snakes or not, he had a positive impact for Christ in Ireland and the stories of his work, while seemingly unbelievable, should be looked at with the same heart and mind as we look at the stories in the Bible itself.  Regardless, it is clear to me that God used a slave named Patrick to reach the people of Ireland and all of us today.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

This will be a long post, but it seems that we have lost the ability to forgive and reconcile with one another. Here’s the question I will ponder in this post, does forgiveness aid in reconciliation, or does it make a difference? I believe it does and I believe that forgiveness is the first step in reconciliation.  It is clear to me from historical examples how the lack of forgiveness simply breads resentment and hate. Admitting a wrong and seeking forgiveness, therefore, are critical to the reconciliation process. From the earliest records of conflict to the present day, history provides us examples of how a lack of forgiveness breeds conflict even today.

Examples of the effects are as old as written history. The wrongs and perceived wrongs that occurred in the Crusades continue to fuel hatred by the Muslim world despite multiple Popes seeking forgiveness. The contemporary Chinese and Korean press continue to revisit the terrible treatment of Chinese civilians and the rape of Nanking by Japanese soldiers before World War 2.

There are, on the other hand, positive examples of how forgiveness has led to later reconciliation and even to lasting partnerships. The United States and Germany are close allies today despite the horrors the Nazi regime inflicted upon the world and the bitter fighting that followed. One modern example of an ongoing study in forgiveness is the United States and Russia. Even now neither side has taken responsibility for the Cold War and the many deaths that occurred during the Cold War. Because neither side has sought forgiveness or reconciliation, there is ongoing animosity that continues to fuel future conflict.

The seeds for the current Middle East conflict were sown centuries ago. Even when one side seeks forgiveness, or has even forgot about the past transgression, peace is impossible if the other party refuses to grant that forgiveness. Centuries after their conclusion, the Crusades continue to be a touch point for radical Muslims who cannot accept the apologies offered by the Catholic Church. The hatred is evident in Middle East literature and newspapers as translated by the Middle East Media Research Institute. Radical Muslims use references to the “crusaders” — referring to American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan — as a rallying point for jihad. It is evident from this model that two parties are needed to achieve true forgiveness and reconciliation.

Another example of a one-sided forgiveness is the ongoing relations between China and Japan. Widespread anti-Japanese sentiment thrives in China – mainly due to the Sino-Japanese War – the consequence of which, China suffered military casualties which may have been as high as 10 million, with at least as many, if not double, civilian casualties.  This further fuels this anti-Japanese sentiment. The Japanese committed innumerable despicable acts in China, but one that continues to reverberate with the Chinese was Unit 731, a medical unit run by the Japanese Army that researched biological warfare using Chinese civilians as test subjects, who were referred to as human ‘logs’ in the medical journals. Another atrocity mentioned in Chinese and Korean literature was that women from many Asian countries were forced to serve as prostitutes in military brothels

The extent of anti-Japanese sentiment today is evident in the state-run movie and television industry. A Reuter’s article titled Why China’s film makers love to hate Japan quotes Zhu Dake, a professor at Shanghai’s Tongji University. Zhu estimates that up to 70 percent of drama on Chinese television is anti-Japanese. The Japanese apologized officially and even offered war reparation payments as part of the surrender terms in World War 2. Despite this, the Chinese do not forgive, which fuels the tensions between the two countries and Asia. When neither side forgives, it is impossible to achieve peace, and the resulting tension and resentment can linger for centuries. The continuing conflict in the Balkans, for example, show just how centuries of hate can explode and rekindle old conflicts thought to be long forgotten.

A good example of how national remorse and forgiveness has worked is the US and its relationship with Germanyn and Japan since World War 2. The first steps of forgiveness for Germany (and Japan) came immediately after the occupation of both countries ended and national governments were formed. Both the President of West Germany, Theodor Heuss, and Chancelor Konrad Adenauer publicly condemned the actions of the Nazis and sought forgiveness. The United States accepted this apology and instead of holding on to bitter feelings, instituted the “Marshal Plan”, named after then-Secretary of State George Marshall, to rebuild post-war Europe, including Germany.  This truly helped in the healing process and is evident today as Germany and Japan have been and continue to be the United States most trusted allies.  We see that there must first be recognition of wrongdoing to start the road to healing.

Thus far, neither the United States nor Russia has made any such recognition of wrongdoing. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the United States and Russia began thawing out their relationship after 50 years of Cold War. There was a chance for the US government and Russia to seek forgiveness for the mistrust and misdeeds each carried out in an effort to block the other’s national aims. While there were many diplomatic exchanges during that time, none, it seemed, centered on acknowledging Cold War wrongs done by both sides. What we see now is a Russian government that seems bent on blaming all its woes on the United States, and, now the U.S. is blaming  Russia – right or wrong – for what happened in the recent elections.  It is too early to tell whether this will lead to future conflict, but it certainly has not led to a better understanding between the two countries. Time will be the judge.

It is clear that there cannot be reconciliation without forgiveness. History provides legion examples in which nations, tribes, and individuals could not come to peace without acknowledging wrong, seeking forgiveness, and being forgiven. There can be no forgiveness without acknowledging a wrong in the first place. We must remember that nations are made of people and if we teach love and forgiveness, and not hate and acrimony, all things are possible.

Watching and listening to the Sunday news reminded me of the dangers of living in echo chambers. We tend to get lost in one political/religious ideology and forget that there are at least as many people who do not agree with our point of view. This happens more often than not by surrounding ourselves with like-minded friends or acquaintances and only reading or watching programs that support our point of view. It becomes evident during elections when the phrase,” so and so must win because I don’t know anyone voting for the other person”, and then so and so loses. That’s what we call an indicator in the intelligence business. You are in an echo chamber.

I have cultivated many friendships whose viewpoints are diametrically opposed from my own. Some of my closest and dearest friends fall in this category. They keep me grounded and often help me understand the logic (as they see it) behind some of the news stories or policies from their side of the thought process. Remember the best way to understand a person’s point of view is simply asking them why or how they came to a conclusion on an issue. And as much as it can ruin my day, I also try to read and watch all news sources and then attempt to find the golden mean between the screeching coming from both the left and right.

Keep in mind that diversity among your friends should not just be race or ethnicity based – but should be political/ideological as well. As America becomes more polarized due to the echo chamber syndrome, it is vitally important to fight the syndrome by getting out of the chamber and among free thinkers. My advice is that when you find yourself agreeing with everyone in the room – you are in the wrong room.

“Wide differences of opinion in matters of religious, political, and social belief must exist if conscience and intellect alike are not to be stunted, if there is to be room for healthy growth.”

― Theodore Roosevelt, The Man in The Arena: Speeches and Essays by Theodore Roosevelt

I had a hard time deciding on what to post today. Between our District quiz yesterday and March Madness’ Selection Sunday, I had a lot of thoughts on competition, persistence, and focus, but I am not really feeling it today and want to post something meaningful, not just mail it in about how great Belgium is (just kidding, I really liked that post).

I also thought about writing about some of the personal insights I have had as I have been trying to be less of a curmudgeon, but that is still a work in progress and I haven’t been as good at that as I would have liked. Additionally, I really am not in a deep, contemplative mood, so again, I will save that for another day.

Truth be told, today is one of those days where I want to either go on a drive or stay home and crack open a good book, so I decided to spend this time on my recommendations for mobile and other apps as promised in my Windows apps blog.

I want to start with a couple of apps for both mobile devices and computers that I  consider necessary from a security and privacy point of view.  The first is a class of applications called VPN software.  VPN stands for virtual private network and it is basically an application that let’s you create an encrypted connection to a server and then all your traffic is routed through that server encrypted to wherever you want.  The advantage of this is that you look like you are wherever the server you connect to is located, so if you connect to a server in London, all your traffic looks like it originates from there.  This can be useful for watching shows not available in your area, and many other things. The main thing is your traffic is encrypted the entire time. The downside is it will slow down your connection because of the distances the route covers.

My preferred  VPN applications are from PIA (Private Internet Access) at www.privateinternetaccess.com, which allows complete anonymity by accepting gift cards as payment and they do not retain any network traffic logs, meaning your access patterns will not be kept and sold off to advertisers.  I have also started using a second one called Pure VPN that I found on citizengoods.com.  They have a number of good lifetime deals.  Just search on VPN and they will all show up.  The main thing is to find one with lots of servers (the more, the better)and hopefully one that does not keep access logs. If you have any questions, leave a comment and I can help you one on one.

The second mobile and computer app I use regularly is Last pass from www.lastpass.com.  It is a free password vault and password generator that works great for logging into websites, etc.  You create an encrypted vault local to your machine and then the encrypted file is stored by LastPass so that you can access it across all of your devices.  You can set up 2-factor authentication which uses your cell phone or sms messages to confirm it is you logging in, and they never have your password.  This is a two-edged sword in that you will need to remember that 1 password and it should be a difficult one.  I recommend picking 3 to 5 words that mean something to you, and using them as one big password with capital letters, numbers replacing letters, etc.  This will give you a really strong lock on your encrypted vault. I have also started letting it create strong random passwords for me online except for accounts that I share, and I am very pleased with how Last Pass does their strong passwords.

Okay, on to mobile apps.  Since today is selection Sunday for March Madness, the first two apps are designed to help with your basketball viewing.  The official NCAA March Madness app and the ESPN app are great for keeping up with the games and, if you have wifi or good cellular, you can watch games live on the NCAA app.  Sometimes, though, you find yourself in a location where a game (or other TV show) is on but muted to where you can’t hear it.  For that there is an app called Tunity.  Tunity lets you use your camera to scan the TV screen and it finds the show that is playing and streams the audio to your phone, which, with headphones, makes for a great viewing experience in noisy places.

Next up – video apps.  For these I really just use four primary ones.  I have amazon video, Netflix,  YouTube, and Flixter.  Between these I can watch my digital copies of movies I own, short videos pond almost any topic, and of course anything in the Netflix and Amazon libraries.  I generally use Netflix or Amazon on the treadmill because they have reliable captions and I listen to music while I run to keep a steady pace.

Speaking of music, I used to use an iPod all the time, but have since moved  to Spotify and Pandora for music (particularly running mixes at a set steps per minute) and Overdrive and Audible for audio books to listen to while driving or flying.  Between those four and my own music files, I am pretty set.i also like iheartradio for keeping up with specific radio stations and shows.

Finally, besides the standard social media and productivity apps, I also use the Microsoft Office suite on my android devices, the Life Church Bible app, and a number of travel apps.  The Microsoft Office apps are free and are very well adapted for Android, and when combined with their cloud drive, can let you work on docs both on the mobile device and computer.The Bible app I like because I can download most versions for free and annotate, highlight passages, etc.

Anyway, I  hope these give you some ideas and would welcome your input and additional apps I haven’t listed in the comments below.

Some of you may be dreading/hoping I will be providing a deep insight based upon the novel Great Expectations,  but alas, I am merely using it too draw you in.  Actually, I will be diving into a thought I had this week in a conversation about self-confidence and success/failure.  The underlying premise of the discussion was that I am not sure how much of a person’s success is because of self-confidence as opposed to not wanting to be dependent upon the success of someone else to succeed and having the ability to accept failure if they are in control.  My convoluted point was that they may not be more confident in themselves, rather they are able to handle personal failure so they just naturally take charge so that they control their own destiny. Then it struck me, maybe that IS self-confidence after all…not assured of success, but unafraid of failure. 

This then led me to a second thought about expectations. I have always heard sayings like “with big risk comes big reward”, “shoot for the stars”, and “dream the impossible dream”, and they sound appealing and motivating.  However, I am not sure that setting great or high expectations is necessarily beneficial.  I have seen many cases where setting high expectations led to a debilitating stress on an otherwise talented and confident individual, simply because the expectation of their performance made them start to push to meet it. Then a misstep occurs, they start to question themselves and either start pushing even harder or, if unable to withstand the stress, collapsing in on themselves. 

My point is set goals, not expectations.  Goals allow you to focus on doing the things you know to do and staying in the moment.  Expectations force you to attain a level of success in order to meet a level of acceptability.  Goals promote success while expectations underscore failure.  Allow others to have expectations of your performance, but allow yourself to ignore them.  Focus on the basics that have taken you where you are, pursue your goals, and remember that it is a marathon not a sprint.  Don’t allow the expectations by yourself or others to paint an inaccurate picture of the person you know a you are. Rather use them as a motivator when you have been underestimated.